- Mood:
confused - Music:She Falls Asleep - Part 2 - McFly
I've got to admit, Princess Mononoke is probably the movie that has inspired me the most to keep on with my novel. The message in that movie is so powerful, Miyozaki did so well with it (as always) and such that it just makes me want to write something that could possibly parallel it. Now, I know that's an EXTREMELY lofty goal, and I don't think I will match it, but it inspires me to one up my writing. To really get into the details of the setting and using strong colors and such. Because without those, Miyozaki would cease to amaze me. Because not only does he tell a story, but he does it with such elegance and power that it makes that story amazing, no matter what culture it is! And all I want to do is make someone feel so amazed about my work as I feel with his. If I accompished that, I could die with all of my dreams fulfilled.
Anyway, that's all I really have to say right now. I think I'm going to spend my gap year in Africa helping build homes and schools. That sounds like a good place for me. I can write about what I see there and I will get to experience the entire AIDS pandemic with my own eyes, instead of just through pictures.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Princess Mononoke Symphonic Suite - Joe Hisaishi
But that's not why I got on here. At least, I don't think it is. Sometimes I don't even know what I got on for... But I'm sure I'll figure something out soon. I sometimes feel like I just... repulse people, almost. Alright, so not just any people. But like guys that could be potentials or something, they just always to seem to be my friends. And that's it. Nothing more. The only one's who's ever expressed any interest that I haven't dated is now my very close friends' ex. Weird.
But I kind of feel like I'm too much of the friend and not enough of the possibility. Or maybe I am and I just never get noticed as that or something. I don't know really. It just kind of bugs me sometimes. I don't know, maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I wish I was the one who fell so much in love with my boyfriend that the breakup would be so excruciatingly painful, I would lock myself in my room for hours on end. I envy anyone who has that. I want my own drama. I'm sick of talking about everyone else's. How selfish is that? But it's true.
I watch romantic comedies and want to be them. I want to be the friend that the perfect guy suddenly realizes is more than just that to him. Maybe I only want it because I thought I had it once, but it went sour... Maybe all I want is a second chance. Someone new who could overcome the failure together with me. Someone sweet and charming and good looking, all the while being a good friend who knows me and gets along with me well.
Now why can'tI have something like that?
- Mood: confused
- Music:Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
We're supposed to keep journals in drama. But where am I supposed to write what I'm thinking personally? I guess this is where I go... I'm not really complaining. I just... I don't know. I just am.
Today was frustrating and emotional and no doubt memorable for a few. Lines were crossed and feelings were hurt. Maybe this day sums up why I am athiest. If there truly is a higher being who loves us all, how could they stand to watch us suffer? Possibly because suffering leads to the next step in life. Or possibly because suffering builds experience. But when it does none of such things, why must we go through it. It hurts me to see some of my closest friends suffering for no good reason. And when I hear they are ready to give up due to said incident, I try to change their mind if it's what I think is right. But there's only so much you can do sometimes, isn't there?
The best I can offer sometimes is to be there for them. Whenever, wherever. Sometimes to a person, that's the one thing that could mean the world to them. To know they have a friend who's there 24/7 for anything. I only wish I had steady friendships like I seemed to have in years passed. I always imagined having someone to fall back on when I'm broken down, crying on my front steps. But if something so traumatic actually happened to me, I have no idea who I'd call. I know a few people who I could call. But would I call them?
To think, three years ago, I knew exactly who I would call. Life changes right before our eyes. And all we can do is accept it and move on. If we were to run smack into the love of our life, would we know it? I don't think so. To believe in love at first sight is to believe in a fairy tale. You could wish that unicorns exist, even though you know they never will. Same with love at first sight. Especially for the picky among us. Sure, he may be cute, but that doesn't mean he's our soul mate. If that were true, every decent looking man (or woman) would be the love of our life.
How odd to think that...
- Mood:
crushed - Music:Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls
I don't know what to think anymore. How many times have you heard me say that, huh? Probably too many to count. But I guess it's true. I never seem to know what to think. And yet, I still manage to live. A life that mostly is lived in solitude, yes. But a life none the less. I am devout to my writing. It what I have and always will love. But there is only one thing I want most in the whole world. The one person who I could always talk to whenever I needed to talk. The one person who understood me and liked me just for being me. My opposite, yet my twin. The one person I always depended on.
My best friend.
- Mood:
blah - Music:Ignorance - McFly
So now, I stand alone. Only a few still attempt to understand and help me through. But these friends are few and rare now. I barely even speak to them about such confidential feelings that it's almost like I don't. I am, in essence, alone.
How can you give up on someone who tells you at one in the morning that life would be worse without you in their lives? Someone who may be a jerk, but when it's just him, is the sweetest guy you could have ever known. Funny, smart, talented, and your best friend. His biggest mistakes stand before him because he is misguided. And you hope and pray that he will see the light soon. But you never will know until he finally comes around.
Then there's the other friend. The one you've known for just ast long, but never really considered a possibility until now. He handsome and talented while still being himself. He's friends with all of your friends and seemingly can get along with almost anyone. And though he's headstrong, he's passionate. But you stance on anything happening is wavering. Uncertain and balancing on the edge. Giving up hope on any future relationship with said person seems a very likely idea.
So where would you go? If I could only pick one, who would I go with? The handsome yet mislead that I can never seem to escape? Or the tall and charming with the guts to pants the president on national television?
Decisions stand before me and I don't want to make them...
- Mood: confused
- Music:Second Chance - Shinedown
Possibilities
The beginnings of hope. No desires can prosper without that initial consideration of a possibility. You only hope for that one leadership position if you figure there is a possibility that you may get it. You wish for that seemingly perfect person only when you accept that there is a possibility you will find them. You want what may be considered a future relationship to work in your favor only after the realization that there is, no matter how miniscule, a chance at that one relationship. Possibilities are the basis of hope, wishes, and dreams in the raw.
So whenever you hope for something, be sure you understand the actual possibility of that event. Think beyond the happiess and forsee the sadness and grief. Is there a large enough possibility for it to be realistic? Is the sacrifice of your dreams really worth all the time if it is only going to lead to pain? Instead of thinking about the best case scenario, consider the worst. Yet, don't lose your perseverence for the things you desire. Because if you desire it, there is a possibility. Think that that guy that has been on your eye is fine and still consider asking him to the Homecoming Dance, but remember the worst that he can say is no.
Always consider the least desirable option. And if you are too afraid of being hurt, then simply consider this least desirable option as the most probable. Everything in life has a choice. You just must decide which path to follow. Slow, steady, and probable or quick and painful. It's your choice. Sometimes the most passionate relationships are the shortest. So do you want to chase after passion or companionship? Considerance of all aspects is key to understanding.
- Mood:
calm - Music:Homecoming - Hey Monday
Anyway, I've kind of been feeling... heartless again. And this has nothing to do with any of the people who've been in my life recently (most of you whould know who I'm talking about). But this has to do with someone who, whether I like it or not, will be in my life forever. And despite my desperate attempts to forget them, they will never go away.
Gah this has taken too long to write. I'll finish tomorrow, maybe.
- Mood: depressed
- Music:It's Gonna Be Me - *NSYNC
- Mood:
drained - Music:Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
But, all that is in the past now. Now, I am going to move on to another subject. One that, hopefully, you all will find happier and a bit more lighthearted. Have you ever simply dreamed about sharing a dance with that one special person whenever you hear what you imagine would be the perfect song. You listen to your MP3 player and a slow song comes around that just makes you think of that one special moment that you've always dreamed of. Ever since you were a little kid, you've wanted to experience that fairy tale moment. Because immediately after you saw the prince and princess dance together at the end of your very first disney movie, you've secretly wanted to be like that.
And now, I really must go off to my place of slumber. I have exercising to do in the morning...
- Music:All The Same - Sick Puppies
Sometimes, the life of a teenager feels like the weight of some dense, unknown object is sitting on our shoulders, bound to you until it crushes you into the cold, dank ground. But at other times, the world can seem like a magical place that you read about in fairy tales. A world where on one side, you’re surrounded by dense yet optimistically green forests and on the other side, a large, wide plains open to all. Past the plains, you can see a rich blue ocean and, in the dead silence, you may even be able to hear the calm, rolling waves. Behind you, the plains slowly rise and fall until they turn to large, majestic mountains that are always covered in snow. Upon one of the rocky ledges that sit before the mountains sits a valiant stone castle.
Sitting in the midst of this new world, you see peace in its essence. Yet, at the same time, your mind is warning you of the wrong turns and horrors that could come with the utopia. Questions begin popping into your head, making you doubt the perfection of this new found place. This, of course, is our mind’s way of keeping us in reality. Imperfections are life, where as perfection is only a dream. An image we choose to see so we can feel important. So we can feel like everything in the world is going our way.
Once you’ve realized these imperfections, the world in which you were sitting disappears. It doesn’t slowly burn before your eyes or turn to dust and slowly fall into a never ending abyss, but simply disappears. And when it disappears, you return to what is known to the human race as reality. And upon your return to reality, you don’t feel any sadness towards the disappearance of that utopian world, but instead, reassurance. Because, despite the niceties of that distant world, you know that reality brings both ups and downs, easing your mind from its constant worries.
Is that according to the prompt? Or not so much? Please let me know ASAP.
- Mood: blah
Love is a fantastic, alien emotion. It can never be described by words to it's extent. The only way any one person can truly experience such an amazing sensation is to truly find it. Yes, love must be found. When you are first born, you seek for the warm comfort of the one person who bore you for nearly the past year of their life. Once you find them, you immediately form an unbreakable bond that can never be shattered. You then, slowly, meet the rest of your family, which you come to love, whether it be instantly or in time.
But the most sensational of all these impenitrable bonds that we form in our lifetime is the bond between you and that one special person that everyone seems to find sooner or later. But with such a bond comes great frustration. Ever since the day you grasp the concept of the life bond, you seek for that one person eagerly. With every relationship comes a hope that that one person is the one you were looking for. Sadly, for the beginning of your search, you are almost guaranteed not to find the right person. Only the rare and lucky few find what is considered their "soul mate" at the beginning of their search.
So if you live your life searching for that one person, don't lose hope at the beginning. Know that the rest of us single people stand with and would do anything to help you find that possible one person that will forever change your life. Us singles must stand together and support each other. Because the day will fail to do so may be the day love dies.
- Mood: thoughtful
- Music:Nothing Special - illScarlett (again)
And, on a somewhat related yet unrelated note, never be too sure about what people tell you about others. You will never know the facts on what someone thinks unless that person specifically tells you. So, don't be so quick to celebrate when your friends tells you that your crush likes you too or that your best friend is about to ask out another girl when you were secretly hoping it was going to be you. If you believe what you hear about others all the time, you are bound to be disappointed 50% on the time.
And so many people seem to feel bad about things that I don't. Maybe it's because those who attempt to understand others minds as well as their own seem less open to the feeling of guilt. We despise anything that might come in the form of some sympathetic feeling that makes us feel sorry or bad about our actions because we know in order to live your life the way you want to, you must own up to and attempt to justify every single one of your actions, no matter how silly or immature those actions were.
Sometimes, I wish I felt the guilt and sensitivity others do. I sometimes think I am heartless half of the time because I don't feel any guilt or shame for things I do. I accuse someone of giving up the only hopes and dreams for the past few years of their lives over something that no one believes will last and feel no sympathy for the feelings that person may feel when they read my harsh words. Maybe it's selfish. Maybe I care more for my attempt to justify my thoughts and emotions than I do for others well being.
So if I'm so heartless, why do others seem to care so much about my mentality? Why do guys get scared away because they're afraid of doing something to hurt me? Why do my friends seemingly stick by my side, no matter how many wrong steps and harsh accusations I throw at them? Why do all these people seem to think about my feelings so much when, in all honesty, I barely consider theirs? Now, don't get that last statement wrong. I do care for my friends. I don't want to hurt them intentionally. But sometimes, my brutal honesty or sheared truths seem to hurt them in the most wicked of ways.
Sometimes, even to the point of total obliteration of who they are.
- Mood: calm
- Music:Nothing Special - illScarlett
The return of a shocking, horrid memory may be the cause of this. The rememberance of a sour moment in time that you've tucked away for so long that when it resurfaces, it's more painful to remember than it was"
Okay, so sorry that was unfinished, but that's what was saved under my drafts from Friday and I didn't really want to just delete it. I thought it easily could be added in.
Anyway, it's amazing how much one snippit of information will change your mind. So much has happened this weekend and it's mostly been for the better. I've been able to talk with my friends who I haven't seen in a while, gotten to be in finals my first year of winter percussion, managed to obtain some closure on a friendship that hasn't been for the past 9 or so months, and recieved insider information about someone who I have deicided I do in fact have alternate feelings for. No doubt most of you have heard about these things, but if you want to know, feel free to ask me personally.
Sorry nothing deep, but it's bed time! I'm tired. See you all in the morning!
- Mood:
happy - Music:Black Tables - Other Lives
"'Denizens of light, answer this: Why do you hate the darkness?'
'Aw, we don't hate it. It's just kinda... scary. But the world is made of light AND darkness. You can't have one without the other, 'cause darkness is half of everything. Sorta makes you wonder why we're scared of the dark.'
'It's because of who's lurking inside it.'"
"Thinking of you, wherever you are. We pray for our sorrows to end, and hope that our hearts will blend. Now I will step forward to realize this wish. And who knows? Starting a journey may not be so hard or maybe it's already begun. There are many worlds, but they share the same sky - one sky, one destiny."
"'What a small world.'
'But part of one that's much bigger.'
'Yeah.'"
"'Hey Riku... what do you think it was- the door to the light?'
'This' *Points to Sora's heart*
'This?' *Holds hand up to chest*
'Yeah. It's always closer than you think.'"
Chew on that one, Rams.
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:Passion [Opening Version] - Kingdom Hearts 2 Soundtrack
My dream seemed so innocent and light and carefree. I savored that one special moment I had even after it was over. And even after I woke up, I felt giddy and somewhat excited. That was, though, until I realized what had been said during the dream. The words were almost exactly the same of the biting harshness that had crippled me at the end of freshman year. That is when my day began to go downhill.
My mind started questioning everything. Am I over him? Do I really like the new him, or his he just an attempt at an escape from my curious and traveling mind? Am I using the new him as a sort of drug to get away from my problems? What's going on?
I'm sorry this wasn't too deep, but I'm tired, depressed, and really want to go take a shower. But I did post, so I didn't go against my word. I will see you all in the morning, quite possibly. I hope you all have better dreams than I do. I dare not sleep now, but only because I dare not uncover more hidden secrets from my unconscious. I don't think I could handle it. Not now.
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:Untouched - The Veronicas
No matter how hard you try to forget, the memory stays strong. The person you know for so long has disappeared, gone from the body it used to inhabit, but you can't help but hope that it's still there. Just dormant. Hidden. Either way, you can only wish there was a way that they could reassure you that they are coming back. That there's never going to be anything that permanently separates you from what once was. But, you know this will never happen. You're heart's been broken too many times to count and you can't help but break down and cry on the occasion. Sure, sometimes you may completely forget about them, but you can't run away. Not unless you move. And even then, memories don't just leave your mind. If you don't move, they will appear somewhere when you least expect it. And if you do move, the memories will come back at the most unwanted of times.
That one glance reminds you of the fun you used to have together.
That one goofy smile reminds you of the way they used to make you laugh, even when you didn't want to.
That one mindless nudge reminds you of the times when you used to playfully wrestle each other, only for them to surrender when you winced.
That one serious gaze that reminds you of how they were such a gentleman.
And all the while, you try and forget them. Forget what they did to you so that you might be able to start on a clean slate later on. Be indifferent to them so that you don't feel like such a jerk when they are actually nice and you shun them. But you can't do it. You can't help but hate them and miss them at the same time. Why must life be such a troubled, swirling oddity of feelings? I've felt so hypocritical and shallow recently. I tell my friends that if someone is bugging them or isn't treating them right, they should just ignore that person. They're too good for that person. But who am I to truly say that? I keep bouncing back on my feelings over the same person. And why? Why should I be such a wishy-washy person when that's what I despise the most in anyone else?
Our tragedy
Seems to be killing everything it sees
Like death itself
This valentine still looms
In the darkest hour, the killing moon
If I could do it all again
I would let you
Kiss me
Kill me
Your kiss is torture
But killing me would be too easy
How true these words are... Stupid bands, not knowing how true there words are about my life. Blah. Well, sorrow sometimes needs a moment to soak in and be open for wallowing. This is that moment for me. So, I bid you all a good night and happy weekend and hope that your lives stand simpler than mine does.
- Mood: depressed
- Music:Kiss Me, Kill Me - Mest
How can I possibly sit here feeling so lonely yet dread going back to school? There are so many great things that come from school, but i think what I dread the most is simply going back to find myself in more drama. I don't want anymore drama. None. I used to thrive off of drama. I thought it was what made life interesting. And maybe it is. But the drama that seems to come my way never turns out to the brighter side or whatever. I always seemingly get the short end of the stick. Maybe this is just my whiney, spoiled side coming out, but I hate it all. And I think everyone deserves a little time to bitch and moan now and again. I think that's why I look forward to ski trips in condos so much. Because I know that at least once, all of us girls will gather and lock ourselves in a room and do nothing but share the bare and naked truths about our lives, down to the last inch.
Normally I don't do that kind of stuff, what with my evident trust issues and all. But I think that with my friends sticking by me, they're helping me get through my issues. And I'm fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life who understand what I'm saying and know where I'm coming from. And I'm so extremely lucky to be such great friends with my ex. And I'm just extremely lucky. But I always have seen the bad things in my life. Never the good. And despite how much I want to change that, I can't. I'm naturally a pessimist. I prefer the negative aspects over positive. I love books that don't have happy endings because then they just seem that much more real to me. No sappy make-ups that would never happen or life-altering changes that would make everything better in your life. Just bare truths.
I came by a word today, which I thought described me perfectly. Normally, I don't really associate this word with myself, but it just sort of hit me today that it's exactly who I am. Blunt. I don't give people the sugar-coated. I find it bad for everyone in the situation. Sometimes, I think people get a little hurt by what I tell them, but whenever I hear about it, all I think of is "too bad". In a book, I would be that one snooty guy that everyone thinks is so arrogant and annoying because he doesn't seem to care about anyone else. But he does. He just shows his care in more healthy ways. Maybe us blunt people are self-centered. Maybe we are brats. But at least we get by and say the whole truth and don't regret. Because when we do sugar-coat things, we end up regretting it. Miserably regretting it.
Those of you who are going to be at the condos this weekend, expect a strange night of confessions. Because I sure as hell know I am. There's so much to talk about among all of us. Oh, and by the way, for those of you who have not heard, my new writing "project" is about a boy who is survivng through an alien invasion. It's like a mix of War of the Worlds, The Road, and a rave. Pretty tight. The main character's name is Aden (haha thank you Quest For Camelot) and it's got a little bit of everything. Except gunge/horror/creepy crap. My aliens are pretty much like super old, decomposing human forms. At least, that's what they look like. But they're wicked fast and... Aww man you'll just have to read it. I'll post up what I have later.
Anyway, I hope you all had a nice, relaxing break and aren't dreading the return to school as much as I am.
- Mood:
anxious - Music:Let Me Be Your Wings - Thumbelina and Prince Cornelius
I've been in the same situation as almost all of my other friends over the past week. Stuck at home and sitting around. I've had barely any contact with my friends with the exceptions of wonderful inventions called Facebook and texting. Anyway, the most exciting thing I did over break SO FAR was going to the WGI Percussion Regionals in Northglenn with Melissa on Saturday. Despite the four hour break between prelims and finals, during which me and Mel decided to go and get shakes at McDonalds then come back to the high school and sit around and talk until finals started, it was a very cool day. There's was lots of "bonding time", so to say, for me and Melissa and I got to see a bunch of my friends from audition camp. Oooo and I got proof that bass drummers are where it's at. Hahaha
Anyway, other than that, I've been sitting around, stuffing my face with whatever dilectable treats I can find in my barren house and doing random and pointless things. I really should have worked on my personal project more, seeing as my mother wanted it done by tonight, but I can't help my procrastination sometimes. Since we've scrapped the horrid subject, my personal project is done and over with, minus the conclusion/evaluation on my paper and my layout for my presentation board. So I'm doing ok, I think. Nothing I can't handle eventually.
I've managed to watch the same three movies over and over again during the break, which is really kind of sad. And when you hear the three, I promise you will laugh. Even a chuckle. Ok, so I've been watching The Swan Princess like a maniac, the same scenes from Thumbelina over and over again, and the ENTIRE Quest For Camelot with ease. Haha all great animated films that I'd totally forgotten about until break.
Oh, so in other news, I've been keeping in touch with all of my friends from Blue Knights camp. Well, most of 'em, at least. Jake's been really helpful in explaining some things to me and telling me info and such. Elias I haven't talked to all that much, but I managed to discover he's a junior and not a senior (which made Mel happy ;) ). And then I've just started keeping in touch with Ethan, who's been totally awesome to talk to. Anyway, I've got a video of the Blue Knights show if anyone wants to watch it in Keystone and I even did some closeups on some people so that some of you will finally get to see who these people are that I talk about all the time. Haha
And Blue Knights are bringing back the Open line next year, which makes me super happy. Not to sound arrogant, but I think I'll be able to make a Blue Knights line next year. No, scratch think. I KNOW I'll be able to make one next year. I'm just uncertain of which one it will be.
And P.S. I got a wicked awesome Blue Knights track jacket. It's super cool. Mwahaha
- Mood:
chipper - Music:The Rock Show - blink-182
Fairy Tales. They are what we grew up adoring and idolizing. They provide us with the false sense that our lives will only be easier as we grow. Sure you may prick your finger or take a bite of a poison apple. But besides that, you end up living a happy and joyous life as some long-lost queen with your Prince Charming. But as you do grow, you realize that life doesn't work like that. There aren't enough kingdoms for every girl to rule. There aren't enough young princes simply riding around, waiting to sweep you off your feet. Life isn't the silly, love-filled stories we grew up adoring. Knowing this only makes you wonder what was running through your parents heads as you went up to them saying "I want to be a princess when I grow up." Did they worry for your future sanity, hoping that you DO in fact find yourself fortunate enough to find a life for yourself like that of a princess. Or do they simply shrug it off, thinking it's only a phase and that you'll grow out of it soon enough.
"All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal."
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal."
Love. Such an overrated concept. It's the one thing that suffocates teenagers to their breaking point, yet is the one thing we cannot escape no matter how hard we try. It simply stays with us. Whether it is the idea of love, the longing of love, or the presence of love in your life, welcome or not. Despite our attempts to forget anything about love or fancies, they always come back. Sometimes it sneaks up at the most unwelcome of times, while other times you are only expecting it to leap upon you. But why do we run from love? Why must we throw away such a wonderful thing for our own self-indulgence? Because we as humans are slimy, filthy pigs who appreciate nothing more than making themselves feel happy inside. We do what we must to ourselves and others around us to make ourselves feel like we have purpose. Because we don't want to live with that bit of depression that has been trickling in your mind. But when that depression grows in your mind to a somewhat healthy, puddle size, it occasionally gets mixed with our need for happiness. This dangerous mix is often why people decide they must hurt themselves or put their lives in danger. They feel like by doing such a thing, happiness will come. When, in fact, when they do this, all they are serving themselves is more misery.
"It got so far
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end."
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end."
Happiness.Why must humans torture themselves for such a trivial emotion? Why is happiness such an aimiable emotion? Society respect those who are happy and content and only show their optimism. But why should we honor such people when they are clearly only one sided. The depressed wain in and out of anxiety, occasionally showing their contentness for their life and ocassionally showing their sadness for lack of something the long to have. Answer me that and maybe you shall recieve a cookie or get a gold star on your homework for effort. All signs of otherwise unappreciated and pointless recognitions of aimless busywork. Only to make you feel good about something you did. Only to make you happy. But it's not happiness you seek from obtaining the golden star. You only seek social acceptance among your peers. Because in the society of 21st century America, acceptance is happiness.
- Mood: contemplative
- Music:In The End - Linkin Park
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