?

Log in

January 15, 2010


The New Year brings new thoughts. New ideas. New inspirations. Some things still remain the same, while other have changed. Whether these changes be for the better or for the worst, we will only know as time passes. Some inspiration has come to help me with my most recent bit of work, Naberian, while other has come to distract me from it. I want to be close to done with it by the end of this calander year. We'll see how that goes. I never quite understand why I want to be a bestselling author so bad. I don't know if it's simply because I want to inspire others like authors like Scott Westerfeld or Orson Scott Card or James Patterson inspired me. Or do I want this future just for the slight recognition that I'll get with it? I'm never quite sure. Do I want the recognition that Stephanie Meyer or JK Rowling gets with publishing such a spectacular work or teen fiction? Am I that shallow? Or do I really want something more universal? More... selfless.

Things like these are what keep me awake at night. Not things like normal kids. I don't stay awake wondering if he likes me too or if I'll make it to college like everyone else seems to. I don't worry about what my major is for college or what I look like on any given day. I only just barely worry about my future or if I'll ever find my soul mate. But more often than anything, I worry about my motives. Why I want to do some things, not what I do. Is there something wrong with my brain? Or is it just a result of my raising and how I've lived my life?

Also, why is it that I am becoming more and more... distant? I am secluding myself more and more from my friends. Or, so it seems. They all gather around before and after school and at discovery and lunch and what do I do? Stay to myself, busing my hands and mind with other things. Why is it that, all of a sudden, I'm so disinterested in constant social... attention? What snapped in my life to make this change?

What is going on?

September 15, 2009

Wow. Interesting. To think life can change for mundane to... wow so quickly. It's amazing. Anyways, mine's not gonna be very long because I don't have that much time, but I really do want to say a few things. I hate how I feel like I'm flirting with some people when I never mean to in the first place. I mean, why can't I just control that? I hate when I find out I'd been leading someone on , only to turn them down. It sucks so much. But that doesn't happen too often, which is good. I always feel like I'm flirting with one guy that two of my friends like (ok, so one doesn't know if she likes him or not, but whatever. technicalities), even when I don't mean to be. And it's weird. But what's even weirder is I still like the person that I've liked for a while now. The one that lead me on to believe that there was something between us onl to leave me hanging dry. Maybe it was good he did that though... Maybe it showed me what I've been doing unknowingly to others. Either way, I hadn't liked him for a while after that, but ever since we'd gotten to talking about that time (which only really strengthened our friendship in the process), I've remembered why I liked him in the first place. He's gotten better and isn't in such a bad mood all of the time. Maybe it's because he has a girlfriend (I think), or maybe his life is just going better. I'll never know, really. Anyway, I've gotta go. Bye!

September 6, 2009

Wow. I've never realized how dark and depressing my layout is compared to everyone else's. No, scratch that. Not depressing. Just... deep. Black's an extremely deep color, in my eyes. The presence of all color provides a lot of room for analysis, doesn't it? I don't know, really. Black's just such a curious color or shade or whatever. It provides so much to everything, yet is criticised constantly. Anyway, that has nothing and everything to do with my life all at the same time, so whoop de do!

I've got to admit, Princess Mononoke is probably the movie that has inspired me the most to keep on with my novel. The message in that movie is so powerful, Miyozaki did so well with it (as always) and such that it just makes me want to write something that could possibly parallel it. Now, I know that's an EXTREMELY lofty goal, and I don't think I will match it, but it inspires me to one up my writing. To really get into the details of the setting and using strong colors and such. Because without those, Miyozaki would cease to amaze me. Because not only does he tell a story, but he does it with such elegance and power that it makes that story amazing, no matter what culture it is! And all I want to do is make someone feel so amazed about my work as I feel with his. If I accompished that, I could die with all of my dreams fulfilled.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say right now. I think I'm going to spend my gap year in Africa helping build homes and schools. That sounds like a good place for me. I can write about what I see there and I will get to experience the entire AIDS pandemic with my own eyes, instead of just through pictures.

August 22, 2009

Oh dear, I might be making a habit of this again.. Ah well. I've discovered life wasn't so drama filled before due to LiveJournal. That was actually mostly due to me and my lack of common sense. Yea. Long story you've already heard, I know. Anyway, I'm burned and kinda chilly and it's all weird in my room. Eh. I guess it's always weird in my room. It is MY room, after all. Anyway, the percussion party was a success yesterday, which was frickin' awesome! I'm glad that it all turned out so well. I was a lirrle worried, to be completely honest.

But that's not why I got on here. At least, I don't think it is. Sometimes I don't even know what I got on for... But I'm sure I'll figure something out soon. I sometimes feel like I just... repulse people, almost. Alright, so not just any people. But like guys that could be potentials or something, they just always to seem to be my friends. And that's it. Nothing more. The only one's who's ever expressed any interest that I haven't dated is now my very close friends' ex. Weird.

But I kind of feel like I'm too much of the friend and not enough of the possibility. Or maybe I am and I just never get noticed as that or something. I don't know really. It just kind of bugs me sometimes. I don't know, maybe I'm jealous. Maybe I wish I was the one who fell so much in love with my boyfriend that the breakup would be so excruciatingly painful, I would lock myself in my room for hours on end. I envy anyone who has that. I want my own drama. I'm sick of talking about everyone else's. How selfish is that? But it's true.

I watch romantic comedies and want to be them. I want to be the friend that the perfect guy suddenly realizes is more than just that to him. Maybe I only want it because I thought I had it once, but it went sour... Maybe all I want is a second chance. Someone new who could overcome the failure together with me. Someone sweet and charming and good looking, all the while being a good friend who knows me and gets along with me well.

Now why can'tI have something like that?

August 20, 2009


We're supposed to keep journals in drama. But where am I supposed to write what I'm thinking personally? I guess this is where I go... I'm not really complaining. I just... I don't know. I just am.

Today was frustrating and emotional and no doubt memorable for a few. Lines were crossed and feelings were hurt. Maybe this day sums up why I am athiest. If there truly is a higher being who loves us all, how could they stand to watch us suffer? Possibly because suffering leads to the next step in life. Or possibly because suffering builds experience. But when it does none of such things, why must we go through it. It hurts me to see some of my closest friends suffering for no good reason. And when I hear they are ready to give up due to said incident, I try to change their mind if it's what I think is right. But there's only so much you can do sometimes, isn't there?

The best I can offer sometimes is to be there for them. Whenever, wherever. Sometimes to a person, that's the one thing that could mean the world to them. To know they have a friend who's there 24/7 for anything. I only wish I had steady friendships like I seemed to have in years passed. I always imagined having someone to fall back on when I'm broken down, crying on my front steps. But if something so traumatic actually happened to me, I have no idea who I'd call. I know a few people who I could call. But would I call them?

To think, three years ago, I knew exactly who I would call. Life changes right before our eyes. And all we can do is accept it and move on. If we were to run smack into the love of our life, would we know it? I don't think so. To believe in love at first sight is to believe in a fairy tale. You could wish that unicorns exist, even though you know they never will. Same with love at first sight. Especially for the picky among us. Sure, he may be cute, but that doesn't mean he's our soul mate. If that were true, every decent looking man (or woman) would be the love of our life.

How odd to think that...

July 5, 2009

I don't know what to think anymore. How many times have you heard me say that, huh? Probably too many to count. But I guess it's true. I never seem to know what to think. And yet, I still manage to live. A life that mostly is lived in solitude, yes. But a life none the less. I am devout to my writing. It what I have and always will love. But there is only one thing I want most in the whole world. The one person who I could always talk to whenever I needed to talk. The one person who understood me and liked me just for being me. My opposite, yet my twin. The one person I always depended on.

My best friend.

May 23, 2009

People seem so quick to judge this time. I know I'm hypocritical. I know I don't always understand what's going on in my mind. But it's a little annoying when people seem to think they know what my position's like when they know nothing like it at all. Then, when I talk to them about it, they simply call me crazy or a whiney bitch or whatever. But I'm whining to them because I have no one else to whine to. And, by the time they make fun of me because of what they knew would happen almost instantly, it's too late to fix. Because my mind has immediately moved their file into the "less understanding" section, despite what they say afterwards.

So now, I stand alone. Only a few still attempt to understand and help me through. But these friends are few and rare now. I barely even speak to them about such confidential feelings that it's almost like I don't. I am, in essence, alone.

How can you give up on someone who tells you at one in the morning that life would be worse without you in their lives? Someone who may be a jerk, but when it's just him, is the sweetest guy you could have ever known. Funny, smart, talented, and your best friend. His biggest mistakes stand before him because he is misguided. And you hope and pray that he will see the light soon. But you never will know until he finally comes around.

Then there's the other friend. The one you've known for just ast long, but never really considered a possibility until now. He handsome and talented while still being himself. He's friends with all of your friends and seemingly can get along with almost anyone. And though he's headstrong, he's passionate. But you stance on anything happening is wavering. Uncertain and balancing on the edge. Giving up hope on any future relationship with said person seems a very likely idea.

So where would you go? If I could only pick one, who would I go with? The handsome yet mislead that I can never seem to escape? Or the tall and charming with the guts to pants the president on national television?

Decisions stand before me and I don't want to make them...

May 12, 2009

Possibilities

The beginnings of hope. No desires can prosper without that initial consideration of a possibility. You only hope for that one leadership position if you figure there is a possibility that you may get it. You wish for that seemingly perfect person only when you accept that there is a possibility you will find them. You want what may be considered a future relationship to work in your favor only after the realization that there is, no matter how miniscule, a chance at that one relationship. Possibilities are the basis of hope, wishes, and dreams in the raw.

So whenever you hope for something, be sure you understand the actual possibility of that event. Think beyond the happiess and forsee the sadness and grief. Is there a large enough possibility for it to be realistic? Is the sacrifice of your dreams really worth all the time if it is only going to lead to pain? Instead of thinking about the best case scenario, consider the worst. Yet, don't lose your perseverence for the things you desire. Because if you desire it, there is a possibility. Think that that guy that has been on your eye is fine and still consider asking him to the Homecoming Dance, but remember the worst that he can say is no.

Always consider the least desirable option. And if you are too afraid of being hurt, then simply consider this least desirable option as the most probable. Everything in life has a choice. You just must decide which path to follow. Slow, steady, and probable or quick and painful. It's your choice. Sometimes the most passionate relationships are the shortest. So do you want to chase after passion or companionship? Considerance of all aspects is key to understanding.

May 7, 2009

Ok, so it hasn't been as long since my last post as I thought it's been. But whatever. So, for those of you wondering about why I said I want to kill my brain sometimes on Facebook, here's what's been going on in my brain today. Don't waist your time criticising my thoughts on the matter, you can't change the thoughts that's already happened, so just save your breath.

Anyway, I've kind of been feeling... heartless again. And this has nothing to do with any of the people who've been in my life recently (most of you whould know who I'm talking about). But this has to do with someone who, whether I like it or not, will be in my life forever. And despite my desperate attempts to forget them, they will never go away.

Gah this has taken too long to write. I'll finish tomorrow, maybe.

May 3, 2009

Happiness is so close yet so far away. But then again, isn't it always? Good things happen and bad things happen. It always happens that you remember the good things so vividly, yet the bad things stick out just as much as the good. And that ruins things. Because as much as you want to just remember the walks in the rain or the effortless laughter, it's never that easy. You always remember the fights, the disagreement, the anger that comes as well. Eh, life's not perfect, but we all hope that someday it will be. That someday, we'll have that one moment that is exactly like your dreams. Being in that perfect place with that one special person. But, we can only work our entire life to get to that one moment. So, I will leave you with these slightly unhappy thoughts as I doze off to hopefully more joyous dreams. Farewell and see you tomorrow.